Do you know anyone who can talk for hours about themselves or other people, yet never stops to ask you a question about your experience?
I am bound by blood and long-term association to several folks who seem similarly incurious.
Over the years I’ve come to appreciate that their apparent lack of curiosity invariably leads to the same result.
They lead incredibly dull and boring lives.
Their places of residence, jobs and economic status change very little over time. Worse, without curiosity and introduction to new ideas, their interests and perspectives broaden very little – if at all.
Over the course of 10, 20 or 50 years, they’ll talk (and complain) about the same things they were talking and complaining about on the first day you met them. They tend to live vicariously through the lives of others — their children or their more well-to-do friends and acquaintances.
The people they do talk about share the same characteristics — spouting endlessly about themselves with little interest in others.
Call me strange, but I think that’s a weird approach.
If I’m asked a question, or if I think it will contribute helpfully to another’s experience OR best of all, if the sharing makes the other person laugh (preferably, hysterically), then I’ll spout 🙂
Otherwise, I am much more interested in the lives of others’ than I am in talking about all the nitty gritty details of my own existence — I figure that I’ve already done what I’ve done and can’t learn a darned thing by talking about myself.
I am curious. I want to know about things I do not know. I want to learn more… and every person I speak with presents a learning opportunity.
If someone tells me that they’ve just been to a certain place, I’ll ask about what they saw of interest to them, where where they stayed, where they ate and how they enjoyed (or did not enjoy) the experience.
By being interested in others, I’ve met people from all walks of life and socioeconomic backgrounds and have learned SO much over the years. The information they’ve shared has shown me what to avoid and helped me further my growth in all directions — physically, emotionally and spiritually.
By learning from others, my life has taken twists and turns that I never would have anticipated — and every one has been interesting, exciting and incredibly rewarding.
And sometimes, when I am talking to those who ask no questions, yet know that my experience is wildly diverse from their’s, I’m tempted to ask “Aren’t you just a wee bit curious?”
I resist, however.
For whatever reason, they really don’t want to hear about my worldwide travels or business success — because they inherently know that they can’t put the information to use — i.e. they don’t really want to grow.
Don’t be that person.
Learn to ask questions. Who, what, when, where and why… but go easy on the ‘whys’ as that can evoke a defensive response.
- Where are you from?
- What do you do?
- How did you do ____?
- How do you like your _____?
- How does that work?
- How long have you _____?
Start a conversation by prefacing a question with a comment, such as…
- I love that ____. Where did you find it?
- I’ve never seen _____ before. What is it?
While curiosity may have killed the cat, curiosity is essential to your growth and success as a human being.
You’re not a cat.
So dig deeper. Learn something new. Broaden your horizons.
Hi Ros,
I love this piece. I am a freelance corporate roleplayer and the number of times I encounter people who don’t know how to ask ‘open’ questions is amazing. Also, I know exactly whom you mean as you describe the types who trudge through life banging on about themselves, whingeing about minutiae and draining the energy from anyone they come into contact with. If people could just try being ‘interested’ instead of ‘interesting’, then we’d have a world of much better conversations!
Thanks as ever for your positive spin on life.
Alun
Excellent post Ros. I agree and am amazed that there “seem” to be such a huge majority of these “types” of people. I don’t know if it’s our culture or just… them. Either way, I always appreciate when someone actually takes the time to genuinely ask questions … those people are gems. And so are you! 🙂 Keep up the great work!
Hi Ros
I am so with you on this subject. I know many people who have totally stagnated in their lives and believe that it can never be different and I find this attitude negative. When one loses their curiosity or is afraid of making changes or learning new things they may as well lie down and die.
Michelle Jayes
Ros – you are so absolutely right, great post :O)
All the best
Mark.
I so agree with you and this post Ros. I’ve been known to tell people how much I love ‘answers’ – they nourish, inform, entertain etc. But to get ‘answers’, you need ‘questions’. And without ‘questions’ conversation is often dull and un-satisfying. So bring on the questions!
Hello Ros, Thanks for the good advice. It is very sound. Always nice to get your emails and hear what you are up to hope everything goes well with you’Chn chin!:-).
Thanks for a thoughtful post Rosalind! I would find it amazing that a person talking to you would not take the time to explore (if not for just a couple of minutes) at least some of the many travel experiences and business expertise that you have absorbed over the years.
You run a “business without borders” limited only by your internet connection and imagination, while earning as much money as you deserve, not to mention the fact that you’ve helped a number of individuals learn how to become a successful affiliate and, “some people” still aren’t a wee bit curious about any of that? Wow!
Keep up the excellent work because people like myself are paying attention and we truly appreciate you for what you’ve done and the value you offer in posts such as these.
Richard
P.S. You and Karol are an inspiration to all us adventurer’s at heart! 🙂
Hello Roz,
Your book: SAH, was the first book… the first anything I’ve purchased on Internet Marketing, or any marketing for that matter. It is to this day, still the best! I thank you for that. And now, congratulations are in order for this post, aka: profound wisdom. You’re not alone with this observation. And it reminds me of a favorite quote: “Small minds talk about people, average minds, talk about events, but Great minds discuss ideas”. I believe this quote was made by Eleanor Roosevelt. Regardless, it certainly applies to you… the great minds part.
Immense thanks for imparting your profound wisdom! Kudos!
What a great article Rosalind! I’m going to quote it on my radio show this morning!
Hi Rosalind.
I love what you wrote here and it ‘hit home’ with me because I’m the same way. I have known several people with the characteristics you describe and it’s frustrating to say the least. I am always happy to hear of other people’s travels, experiences, etc. Even though I haven’t had much opportunity to travel myself, I’m always happy for those that do. I always learn something new!
Lynne
I can fully understand your viewpoint on this issue Ros.
I have done exactly the same sort of thing with similar people – of which there is no short supply!
On the downside though, I do have a tendency to move on to being self-condemnatory for such blatant judgementalism and labelling because both can be signs of a closed mind. That’s the last thing I want to be!
I’d bet a pound to a penny that you enjoy sitting at the coffee shop people watching!
Best wishes
Jon
Hi Jon,
You would be right about the fact that I enjoy people watching, but I prefer to do it with a beer in hand, as opposed to coffee. 🙂
Cheers,
Ros
Enjoyed this post so much – it is so true!
You’d be surprised at all of the questions I still have about the world, places, people, experiences and Internet Marketing!
By the way how did you ever solve the problem of the deer visiting your garden some months back?
Cheers,
Brian
I agree with you! I have really started, in the last year, to open to other people. By opening, I don’t mean opening myself, but being open to them and who they are. It is so interesting and I find that they are more curious about me and what I’m doing if I am curious about them. If I don’t seem interested in them, they don’t give a rip about me either!
I once had some tell me that I “protected” myself from others. Now I try not to protect, but to learn about them and share myself.
My husband and daughters are always saying something about me being nosey because I ask questions and am interested in people and places. I love to go to different places and if I find out someone has been there I am full of questions and also love to find out where people are from. Google is my favorite place on the computer to find out anything I can think of. When we stop learning we will start dyeing.
hello linda
i know you don’t know me ,but i like people like you.
all the best!
Great rev-your-motor, morning post! (Wish I’d written it.) Everywhere I go today, I plan to be known as “that nosy old biddy.” Thanks, Rosalind!
Rosalind,
I too have people in my life that fit this description. My husband and I have moved around a lot and had many different jobs and are always on the go but many people we meet never bother to ask about our experiences. We’re ok with that because we like to hear about other peoples lives and experiences (most of the time). I never thought about the fact that they wouldn’t know how to “put the information to use.”
Interesting perspective!
Kimberly
Rosalind – Funny you should write about this. I have noticed a marked contrast between those that can’t stop long enough to let you even respond to anything they are saying and those who are interested in what you have to contribute to a conversation.
I was talking on the phone with someone yesterday and actually had to interrupt them several times to let them know I had to go. LOL
I think one of the reasons people talk about themselves is because of a bit of insecurity. They want to make themselves interesting to you so you will want to talk to them.
They may also feel like talking about themselves is giving whereas asking questions is taking. They want to give you something about them to remember. If they just ask questions and you tell them all about yourself after you leave you’ll forget them because you didn’t learn about who they are.
I do agree with you though, everyone should learn to ask questions. It has to be a two-way street. Ask, relate and tell.
Hi John,
I think you’re probably right about them being insecure. But if they think that “If they just ask questions and you tell them all about yourself after you leave you’ll forget them because you didn’t learn about who they are”, they haven’t been paying attention (again).
The opposite is true. I think we all tend to remember those who show interest in us more than those who don’t. And as you said, relating is a 2-way street.
Cheers,
Ros
I love this post. I actually know two people who talk way too much about what’s going on in their own lives. They don’t listen, or ask questions. As you explain, people who do this do limit their horizons, and possibly their opportunities.
Thanks for sharing.
Hi,
I know just what you mean, I used to work in an office with a number of people who lived such small narrow lives. We would go in to work on a Monday after an active weekend and they had no interest in what we had done, only what had been on the TV.
Now it is very different, as we manage a Youth Hostel (Backapackers) on an island in Scotland. Every day we see people from all over the world and they are such a diverse bunch of people who all love to travel. When you go into the kitchen or the lounge they are all chatting away together about so many different subjects.
Just last night a Belgian motorbiker was chatting with a Chinese Physics lecturer about the Edinburgh Film Festival.
We have done lots of travelling over the years but although this job does restrict our opportunities, the whole world comes to us instead.
Steve
Such a great and inspirational article for anyone to read! But more so, if one can practice this tiny bit of advice of yours with patience and care ! Curiousity is what leads a child to learn and grow, and we shall cherish this natural quality within us wiht love! One who never asks a question and not interested in learning abut others/world/life will leave himself on the mercy of his/her own darkness! Thank you for sharing Rosalind!
Bravo! Everyone on the planet should read this post. Even the roots of a tree must reach out in all directions in order to grow.
Boy, you are oh so right with this post. And, unfortunately, the type of person you are referring to is in the majority.
I know a whole lot of “them”, and sadly enough, they happen to be relatives. Arrrrrgggggghhhh!!!!
Hi Rosalind,
I find it very interesting that everyone that commented on your post completely agrees with you (for the record I too agree with everything you said). I think the reason nobody disagrees with you is because the poor stagnant people who are stuck in their miserable rut don’t participate in social media and online discussions. If they won’t interact with us in person they sure aren’t going to interact with us online. They may be passively participating in social media by reading what others are saying online but they’re terrified to jump into a conversation because they’re afraid of being wrong or getting into an online debate with someone who has a differing opinion. It’s too bad some people choose to live life passively from the sidelines. They’re missing so much…
OMG – my aunt is exactly like that and I was just grousing about her with a cousin last night and how draining it is to listen to her. Thanks Ros – it’s like you read my mind!
Hi Ros,
Great article. You are never too old to learn something new or look at life from a different perspective.
I recently took up home-brewing, which is how I like to people watch. Though where I live there aren’t many to watch.
Good luck with your new RV.
Dear Rosalind,
thank you for your post. Love it! I love people and have always been interested in their stories. I think your words:
” I figure that I’ve already done what I’ve done and can’t learn a darned thing by talking about myself.
I am curious. I want to know about things I do not know. I want to learn more… and every person I speak with presents a learning opportunity.”
might be a motto.
Ruta
Heh heh…..You are so spot on with this! It applies to every form of human interaction.
Take “dating” for example…. This is exactly the way I used to “Pick up Chics” when I was a lot younger! (I know some of you will flame me for my shallow, sexist terminology! LOL!)
Ask her a couple questions, look like you are actually interested in what she has to say, and 9 girls out of ten will talk to you “all night long” if you want them to!
Hi, Ros,
Great article. I think you’re right. People who aren’t curious are pretty boring. The really strange part is, most of these people think they know EVERYTHING. It doesn’t matter who they talk to. They could be a gardener talking to a brain surgeon, yet they’d be the ones telling the surgeon how he should perform brain surgery. And, if you ask them a question about something, it doesn’t matter WHAT the question is about, they’ll give you an answer – which is usually just nonsense because you KNOW they don’t know what they’re talking about. But it’s like they’ve just never learned the phrase, “Gee. I don’t know anything about that.” And the reason they don’t know anything about that is because they’ve never been curious enough to ASK questions.
The art of active listening is ALMOST dead.
How often do you come accross an individual who asks searching and well thoughout questions to simulate and fuel the conversation? …not very often I am afraid. Please excuse me if you are one of those RARE active listeners because you do come accross them occasionally. I just wish it was more regularly.
Most people are not really paying that much attention to what is being said but rather SIMPLY waiting for to to stop talking so they can put their point accross instead. Is this because as humans we like to hear the sound of our own voices, or are we craving attention?
Like you I know a number of people who have not really changed at all in the last 30 years, and like other mutual friends avoid them like the black death!
Thank you for this entertaining article…
Kind regards
Kevin
You mentioned in your post that the people you are mostly referring to are people that you are linked to by blood or long term association…..so obviously you are acutely aware of their personal situations and shortcomings. However, if it is someone that you do not know well, then it would be impossible to know whether they are just unmotivated or have a slew of other issues that they cannot help at the moment.
I myself have always been interested in the lives of others and have always tended the conversation away from myself and asked questions to engage with and learn from others. It can be a great way to open up life to be lived.
Unfortunately, back in 2008, I ended up with an unexpected job lost due to an unexpected medical issue. Then 2009 became the year of bankruptcy and continuing to recover my health. 2010 is the year that I’m attempting to get a foothold with affiliate marketing and somehow get an income again……all the while dealing with my health challenges.
Needless to say, I have not in these past 2 years engaged with others or asked questions and it’s only because when the questions turn back around on me……I have nothing to add. All I have had to talk about for the past 2 years is health issues and money issues. Not exactly a conversation that people want to hear more than once…..if at all. Frankly, it gets old listening to myself. Very few want to hear about someone being down on their luck. Despite having goals for myself…..the problem is that I’m not there yet.
I normally Do want to hear about other people’s lives, but I’m in a fight for my own survival at the moment and I would hope that the people (such as yourself) who are having better lives at the moment (which is a total blessing and a truly great thing 🙂 ), would understand that some of us are not where they want to be financially or otherwise, not because of lack of curiosity or interest, but of unforeseen circumstances.
2 years ago, if I had ran into you on the street, I would have asked you a million questions about all your wonderful experiences. Today, I would avoid conversation only for the mere fact that I’m embarrassed about the state of my own life, at the moment.
I guess this post hit me the wrong way, in some respect. You do make valid points though, in that some people NEVER (over the course of their whole life) do anything to change their lives.
I love your Super Affiliate Handbook, btw.
Your websites provide great value as well.
Hi Lynn,
So sorry to hear that you’ve had to endure such tough times over the past few years and I do wish you a very speedy recovery to full, robust health.
And sorry that my post hit you the wrong way. But the “endless spouting” trait doesn’t really apply to you, does it? It’s understandable in your situation if you don’t want to talk about yourself and don’t have the energy to ask questions of others.
You said that you haven’t been asking questions of late “because when the questions turn back around on me……I have nothing to add.”
Having been painfully shy for most of my life (and terribly lacking in self-esteem), I learned avoidance techniques to keep from having to talk about myself.
When you feel you have nothing to ‘add’, you can keep the conversation going and avoid having to talk about yourself by making a comment followed by a question on another topic. Or, just end the conversation politely without anyone making assumptions that you are disinterested.
Again, best wishes for health and success in 2010!
Cheers,
Ros
Am I feeling guilty for no reason? I tend to gravitate toward people who are more intelligent and better educated than I am because, in my never ending quest for knowledge, I want to ‘pick their brains.’
From that point of view, I feel like I am always a taker and never a giver…but, maybe I’m giving something, after all. I hope so.
I agree with you, Ros, and I certainly don’t think my life is interesting enough to keep talking about myself all the time. On the contrary, I love nothing more than learning something new all the time.
Life has been a nightmare for the last couple of years and made a whole lot worse by just that kind of person who is “living vicariously” – something I now understand thanks to your post. You have just elucidated a mystery for me, thanks! Like Lynn, I have not had much energy to deal with people in person, though I have learned plenty from interacting online.
“Having been painfully shy for most of my life (and terribly lacking in self-esteem), I learned avoidance techniques to keep from having to talk about myself.” Sounds familiar, I guess there’s hope for me yet.
I feel sorry for the people who have not been curious about you. Think about the learning opportunities and all the fun they missed…
Love your Muse … now there’s Curiosity for you!!!
Hi my take on why people dont ask about other people & what they do are or want it is there defence mecanisem, If you dont ask about any thing then yoe have an excuse that you didn’t know when it all goes wrong or doesn’t change. So enjoy life & be nosy.
hi ros
it’s with listening to other people that we are learning lot of things.
all the best
I’m with you Rosalind! I just don’t understand that kind of functioning – and I agree – their lives become so much of the same old, same old and it “hurts” the psyche to be around them – you’ve heard all the stories – several times over! And at social networking events, it’s amazing that no one asks you what you do – but they babble on and on and on about their own enterprise – what is it they don’t understand about “networking” – it’s a two-way street – you just never know who had the answer you’re looking for!
I’m curious – and have learned – formally or informally – all my life – I love it! There is so much to learn in our world and so little time! People find it odd that I never stop learning – most of them haven’t learned how to do anything new in a decade or more! But, then, again – it’s their life and they can lead it whichever way they choose – I seek out interesting people like you!
Hey Roz:
We sound a lot alike. Quiet shy early on and I couldn’t get a conversation started with my family even when I returned from college during breaks. One liners, repetitive knee jerk phrases ended all topics after 2 sentences. I learned not to go home much. Still over time I learned social skills – mostly at the office. Life is a Learning Curve -enJOY! has been a favorite saying of mine since about 1997.
Still I find myself a beta-type vs alpha and out there. We all have a comfort zone – yes?
I can tell you are sincerely interested in learning. You might like http://www.theinternationalforecaster.com to learn just what is really occuring in the world today – mostly economic.
Looking within, consider these 3 video interviews with Ashayana Dean at: http://projectcamelotproductions.com/interviews/ashayana_deane/ashayana_deane.html.
You do a great job at all you share for everyone. All the best.
Morning Ros,
I’ve been a freelance writer for close to 30 years and I believe the key to engaging people in open ended conversations is listening – even to body language – and finding the right questions. I can even do that over the phone by listening to their breath and intonation. For instance , I sometimes ask if this is a good time for the interview based on a tightness in their tone or whatever it is I notice.
In person it can backfire, however. I got stuck the other day in a locker room listening to an acquaintance talk about her babysitting responsibilities for her daughter. I listened because she ‘needed’ someone to listen.
I once met with another member of a business group I belong to and after the meeting this business owner thought I was wonderful. I asked all the questions and he did all the talking. He knew nothing more about me than he did before.
My take…people are lonely.
Ruthan
Ros,
I really enjoyed this post. I too have several people around me that are like this, fortunately, most of them are pretty humorous, so you don’t really notice too much. One thing I tend to avoid though, well one question, when meeting other guys, is the “what do you do” question.
Men tend to identify so much of who they are with what they do, that this question comes up anyway, and really, I want to know more than just their job. What interests me are things like when you’re not at work, what is important to you and some of those other questions you ask. I’ve found that I learn a whole lot more about people by getting to the “what do you do” question last.
Great post!
Oh yes! This reminds me of the networking events that have the “business card bandits” who come up to you — sometimes interrupting a conversation — hand you their card, and tell you about themselves, all without you asking. Some of the best ways to get more business is to inquire about someone else and learn how you can help them.
Alas, I fear this kinda thing has gotten worse due to the economy and many people’s survival instinct kicking in…
I am right there with you Rosalind! You wrote just exactly what I have often pondered about to myself! I am often accused by those who know me, of “always being so positive”, but it’s just that I, like you, always want to know about others, so I listen more than I talk!
When I do talk, I tend to try to focus on positives or at least leave others with encouragement or humor. (They really don’t need to hear about my personal peeves!) Life is too short and time is to valuable to waste on boring, petty, issues when we can actually DO something positive, constructive and fun!
You make a really good point in your post. I have said before, I try to avoid “stinkin’ thinkin'” lest my mind grows stale and I lose interest in life itself.
Keep up the great work!